How do you go on realizing you fuck everything up around you.

How do you go on realizing that you can’t even control being a bitch to people when they haven’t done anything to deserve it.

I’m sick of myself and everything that is my life.

I’m sick of the way i’m such a bitch and can’t even help it.

I hate that i have depression and anxiety and i just try to make things better and it seems to fuck everything up and make nothing right.

I just feel so completely alone and i don’t know why i even try anymore when i just hurt people and myself.

Most people who don’t have anxiety or depression don’t get it. They don’t understand what you mean when you say you cry for no reason. They think your just emotional. They don’t know how it feels to have your heart pumping out of your chest and to be short of breathe and can’t control it, or to feel like the whole world is tumbling down on top of you and you can’t fix it. They don’t get that Anxiety & Depression are both illnesses, not a birth defect. It’s not your personality either, it’s just taken over it. They think we like the attention, but they have no idea how badly we want to feel happy. To have a real smile, not a fake one. To not have to go through the day feeling worthless. To not cry for a week straight. To just be happy, like everyone should have the opportunity to.

Basically just try to not judge people you just met because they could be fighting something you know nothing about.

so i’m so sick of everything thats happened this past year.

Two of my best friends died.

Depression is making a comeback tour.

and moving around a shit ton and having no one to solidly rely on is driving me crazy.

I’m at this point where i litterally feel like ditching everyone and just starting myself over new.

i”m sick of this neurotic , anxious, ocd control freak that i’ve become and i would just love to be able to not care about things and to have one fucking normal night to be able to get drunk without worrying about life.

Its just all too much and at times like this i really wish i died younger.

Right now my friend and i are looking for a place together and even that is all so iffy and i’m at the point where i’m tired of looking i just want to sign a lease with some random people and get a new life and nenew myself into maybe what i should have become.

Tomorrow i skype with this chick that i might start doing business with. She seems really smart and chill and this could be a legit thing.

I’m tired of failing over and over and being shut down at every corner. 

Just please let this one thing work. I just feel like i’ve been busting my ass to buy shit i don;t want for shitty jobs i hate to get money to maybe possibly hopefully go to school one day.

I just wish my parents didn’t fuck me over like this. I call the fafsa people all the time and talk to advisors and financial consultants and i’m waiting for a magic loophole to appear. 

But until then… misserable and maybe living in Boston soon.

i feel more like shit than any other day.

i lost my friends

but i have all these people in my life

my life sucks

it was destined to suck from the start i swear.

oh and on top of it my boyfriend and i are really done for good.

i couldnt be more depressed and sad on top of it all. just a shit life